I think I can...I think I can...

Two more days of work to survive. I feel like the little engine that could. Chugging along to get to that 3-day weekend! Almost there...and just when I feel completely overwhelmed, all I have to do is turn on the tv to put things into perspective.

I cannot even begin to fathom what the people of Louisiana, Mississippi, and beyond are going through. They've lost their homes, their clothes, their belongings, their cars, everything. People that are stranded on their roofs, in attics, on balconies. People wading through water almost as deep as they are tall in some places. All trying to find somewhere safe.

It is impossible to imagine what must be going through their minds. Just seeing the images on television and the internet has had me in tears for much of the past few days.The entire population of New Orleans is being evacuated. Apparently over 80% of the city is now underwater. The makeshift shelter of the Superdome is no longer an option. They are getting people out however they can, in an effort to relocate the survivors to the Astrodome in Houston.

I found out my company matches gifts to approved charitable organizations. It's a bunch of paperwork to make it happen, but will be worth it to essentially have my donation amount to the Red Cross doubled. It's such a simple thing to do, but I feel better knowing I'm doing something to be of help.

Katrina

My heart goes out to all of those who were caught in the path of this one. Having grown up in southeast Texas, right off the Gulf, I have gone through my share of hurricanes. But nothing that was even remotely close to the kind of destruction and death that Katrina has brought. You are in my prayers.

Katrina Relief: How to Make a Donation

Six Feet Under

A friend of mine mentioned this series to me a long time ago as something she thought I would enjoy. However, at the time, I didn't have HBO. When I finally moved and was able to afford the premium channel, I didn't want to start midway through it. So I never watched it.

Now, apparently the show has ended. But thanks to the magic of technology, these things are available on dvd. And thanks to the magic of Netflix, they are available at the click of a mouse.So right now, I am starting on season 1. Just finished watching the first episode. I haven't formed an opinion of it yet. The first dvd has the first three episodes on it, so I'll probably watch the next two tonight.

T called me earlier. That made me smile.

I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow. This is the first weekend in a long time that I have done essentially no work (thanks to my internet being out) and it was incredibly nice. Surviving this week should be a breeze though, knowing that there's a holiday weekend coming up next. Hooray for that.

Happy hour with T

Guess the folks at Comcast have gotten their act together. My internet is back up and running consistently now.

So Friday was fun. Had plans to stay in, but a late call from T prompted me to go out and meet him for drinks. Some friends of mine were still at happy hour (that I had previously planned to skip) so we decided to meet there.

Before I go any further with this story, it's important to point out that, the night before, I'd gotten a few messages from P. Asking why I was not responding, why am I not interested in him anymore, etc. So rather than tell him it's because he's a slimey jerk with less than adequate equipment, I decide to take the easy way out and just tell him that I'm dating someone now (even though that's not exactly the case)

.Ok, so back to Friday. T & I show up to the happy hour location and are saying hello to everyone (he's met most of these people before) and lo and behold, who happens to be sitting with the group. Yep, you guessed it. P and one of his buddies. That couldn't have worked out any better. I was just grinning from ear to ear. And of course, the fact that T kept putting his arm around me and stuff didn't hurt. Although, that would've happened whether P was there or not. But it was just cool how that worked out. So maybe now P will stop with the ridiculous messages offering his "services."

I had a lot of fun hanging out with T, and he and my friends got along great. I just hate not knowing where I stand with him. When we first met (almost a year ago now) he said he didn't have time for a girlfriend right now....between work, school, whatever. Which was fine with me. Because at the time, I just thought he was incredibly hot and wanted to jump his bones (I won't even go into detail on how long it had been since I'd even kissed a guy at that point). But as we went out more, and got to know each other better, I really like him. And we've talked about "us" somewhat.

I just can't read him AT ALL and that frustrates me. One minute, he's acting like we're a couple, the next, friends. Case in point, we were dancing and being incredibly physical (touching, holding hands, hugs, arms around each other, etc) for most of the night. Then, when we are leaving, I get a....peck on the cheek? What the hell is that all about? But then I talked to him the next day and he just said he drank too much, was tired, and needed to get home. Maybe so. I don't know.I'll have to bring it up the next time we talk.

Maybe I'm just suffering the effects of low self-esteem right now and should stop trying to pick everything apart. We had fun together. That I know. And I'm glad we went out. He's a fun guy. Even if we are just friends.Ugh. Ok, shutting up now.

How did we ever survive without it?

The internet, that is. My service has been off and on (mostly off) since yesterday afternoon. And the customer service for Comcast is a complete joke. If I had the option, I would so get rid of them and go back to dsl.

Anyway, just popping in for a minute while I have the ability to do so. I'm scared to enter too much in case my connection craps out again.

I did see T last night though. More on that later.
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Added at 6pm:
It's 3 hours and later and I'm still up and running. Dare I be so brave as to try hooking my router back up now? Being tethered to a land line is such an inconvenience.

Passionate Expert?

I wouldn't mind some quality, socks-off trouble soon.

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity. You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off. And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave. When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges. If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story. You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses. A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

2 years and 3 months

That's how long it will take me to pay off my credit card debt. Pathetic, isn't it?

I could blame my generosity or my trust in people to actually pay off their loans. But I won't. Ultimately I am responsible for the mess I have created. It's really quite embarrassing to owe that much money for...for what? I look around my house and certainly don't see $18K worth of merchandise. Or anything even remotely close to that.

It's going to take some serious discipline, but I'm determined to stick to my newly devised payment plan and get this weight off my shoulders. As well as the weight on my fat ass, but that's another story. Following the advice of Suze Orman, I'm focusing on the card with the highest interest rate (14.9%) first. Luckily, I was able to transfer the bulk of that one to a very low rate card, but there's still several thousand left on it.

And as per Suze's first Law of Money: truth creates money, lies destroy it. So here I am, being honest with myself (and whoever else happens to stumble across this). I cannot afford to use my credit cards. For anything. I'll never make any progress if I continue to do so. I also can't send every dime to my credit card only to leave myself broke every month either (law #3: Do what is right for you before you do what is right for your money.).

So I've come up with a realistic amount that I believe I can afford to pay each month as long as I stick to my budget. Sadly, it rivals my house note. But I'm not going to keep beating myself up over it. By October of 2007 I can (and will) be rid of this nightmare. There is just no other option. I've talked about it long enough. It's (way) beyond time to get serious.

On a brighter note, my blogroll is back. Not sure what that was all about.

Bet you can't guess...

...who woke up at 8am when she had a meeting 30 minutes away at 9? Luckily, the meeting was cancelled, so I was spared.I'm not feeling very good today. Not only am I lethargic, but I feel a little nauseous as well. I'd take the day off but then I'd be even further behind. So I am working from home today instead.

Hey! What happened to my blogroll? Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Oops.

Today was another long day, but a little less chaotic at work. Although I'm sure I'll suffer the repercussions of focusing the whole of today on one project. For the rest of this week. If not longer.

Got home around 7pm and crashed for 2 hours. Hopefully that won't be another factor in me not being able to sleep tonight. Meeting in the early AM, so I can't afford to drag in late.I've decided that my problems sleeping are stress-related. I'm so ....

--------------------------------------------------------
Wow. That's funny. I started this entry around 9pm I think. Apparently I got sidetracked (because that's what I do these days). It is now 2:27am. Guess I answered my earlier question about not being able to sleep tonight. Damn.

Go to bed.
Hmmm...Fantasy hockey. I should do that.
TV show.
Need to reply to an email from work.
Another TV show.
I should change some of my players.
Damn. The AC is dripping again.
I need to schedule service for that.
I want some cereal.
Reply to that email first.
Empty the ashtray.
Crap. I missed the trash pickup today.
What time is my meeting tomorrow?
Was I supposed to have anything prepared?
I need to call and schedule that AC service tomorrow.
The dog wants out.
She needs a bath.
Oh yeah. Cereal.
Yum.
I've got to remember to buy some toilet paper. I'm dangerously low.
What's that noise?
Oh yeah. Let the dog back in.

I'm lost. What was I doing again?

You know you're tired when...

For starters:

• You really wanted to see a certain someone yesterday but just couldn't get up off the couch and make it happen.
• You overslept, completely oblivious to your (multiple) alarms.
• You bit into a banana without peeling it first.
• You went to work with no makeup or jewelry on. Luckily, you remembered your bra.

Seriously. What is my deal? I'm in a fog lately, coupled with, what I am convinced is, an adult onset of some serious ADD. I'm swamped at work and have no hopes of ever getting caught up, and yet, I continue to accept more projects from my boss. Brilliant, eh?

I've spent my entire day so far working customer issues, which means I'll get to spend tonight working on all the things that are due tomorrow. Figure I'll be in the office until atleast 6pm. Then work from home after that. I think it's time to put a pot of coffee on.

What did I ever see in this guy?!

P just sent me a message. Talking about meeting up during (specific events) for some sex to pass the time during breaks. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Honestly. It's like the only subject he ever wants to talk about. And he's not even any good at it!

Boy did I ever misjudge him. He seemed like such a sweetheart the first time I met him. Ugh.

Too much fun!

Good night out with great girlfriends. A few weren't able to make it, but those of us who did still had a lot of fun, aside from the reminder that there are men out there who would look better in my clothes than I do. My thighs are going to be sore tomorrow from dancing and my face from laughing...not at the show nearly as much as the reaction some of my friends were having. First time at a drag show will do that to you, I guess.

I'm not even going to attempt to figure out how much money I spent right now. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say in the ballpark of $40, which, for me, is not too bad at all.

While we were out, I missed a call from T. We talked when I got home (around 2am) for a good hour. Got to hear a little bit more about his MIA status over the past month or so. He's from a different cultural background, and I think that's part of the problem. He just needs to learn that he has friends and people that care for him here in the U.S. that can, and would like to, be of help when he needs it. Even if that's just someone willing to let him vent. I think it's hard for him to admit when things get to be overwhelming but maybe he's learning. He says he's lonely and realizes he can't do everything on his own all the time. And that he got lucky finding me as a friend.

Maybe I'm gullible, but it was still nice to hear. Depending on what time I wake up and how much cleaning I get done, we have tentative plans to see a movie or something tomorrow.

$2.69 a gallon

That is what it cost me to get gas tonight. Looks like I won't be filling my tank up anytime soon. $20 got me less than 8 gallons. Ouch.

I got started later than I planned with the lazy dvd night. I had to do some grocery shopping first, only to come home and realize that I had forgotten one of the main things I went after. Don't you hate when that happens? I had a list and everything, too.

So I just finished watching The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. I wanted to like it, I really did. All I can say is that I want my two hours back. I probably would've turned it off 20 minutes into it had I not had the benefit of alcohol. I was planning to watch The Aviator next, until I realized how long it is. At this time of night, after that first bore of a movie, I don't think I could endure another 3 hours. I suppose I'll see what is on cable instead.

Or, I could try to go to sleep. It would be great if I wasn't in bed until noon tomorrow. I've got to do some cleaning up around here. With the long days at work lately, my house is in chaos. Plus there's that whole matter of what to wear tomorrow night. Ugh.

Friends for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

alluded to this in an earlier entry. Thought I'd put the full version here. It's a little corny, but makes good points.

"People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life....."

Copyright 2000 - Brian A. "Drew" Chalker

I thought that it would never end.

This week, that is.

Technically, the work week isn't quite over yet, but it's close enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or is that a bad thing? Stay away from the light, Carol Ann!

I need to dig through my receipts. I think I'm missing a few things.
Wednesday:$12 - lunch and dinner
Thursday:$10 - gas, $51 - miscellaneous stuff. But it was clearance-priced! That's my only defense.

I'm going out tomorrow night (more money) and really wanted to get my hair cut (more money) and find something new to wear (more money). Atleast I get paid next week. That should ease things a bit, assuming I don't have any more large and/or unexpected expenses any time soon.

I'm looking forward to a completely lazy night of dvds. At home. Alone. Is that wrong? :P

Sweet dreams are made of this.

My eyes are literally rolling back into my head right now. This is a very good thing. It's a little after 11pm and I think I could actually fall asleep right now. Maybe this is the first step towards getting back on some sort of regular sleep pattern.

I got an unexpected call tonight. From T. Haven't talked to him in awhile. He's a pretty good guy. A little too unpredictable. And likely too young for me. But mostly, he's very sweet and funny. He's got an interesting background. Oh yeah, and he's hot. Not to mention an incredibly good lay. Is that wrong of me to point that out? Nah, it's true. And the fact that we get along so well and are actually friends (although apparently friends that can go a month or more without talking) doesn't hurt. Maybe we'll meet up for dinner this week.

Monday blahs.

Technically, it's Tuesday now. But if Monday was any indication of how my week is going to go, I'm in trouble. I'm exhausted and have an early day tomorrow. Think I'll leave it at that and call it a night.

This is what I get for napping my evenings away.

It's 2:20am and, although I should be fast asleep, I'm making a pot of coffee. Decaf, of course. I find myself in this position a lot lately. Sleep eludes me and finds me at the most inopportune times. Perhaps I will do some work and continue on until it's time to actually go into the office. More likely, I'll manage to stay up for another few hours, only to crash at the time my alarm will be going off.

I am noticing that I am much better at adding entries here as opposed to the old-fashioned approach to journaling. Granted, I'm not able to go into the specific and personal details that I would on paper. This is the internet, afterall. And if I am to be able to be honest in what I write, I need to maintain some sense (imagined or not) of anonymity. It's kind of difficult to write that way, but we'll see how it goes.

Dangerous Beauty is on HBO right now. I've been meaning to add it to my dvd collection but I've got this whole budgeting thing to get under control first. It's not as if I don't have enough movies to watch, but it's not as if I can ever have too many either.

I have a night out with the girls coming up soon. Should be a good time, they always are. If I start now, maybe by that night I'll have figured out what to wear. Oh the joys of gaining weight and not being able to fit into your cute clothes anymore. I know that I have every intention of getting back on track, but in the meantime, it's wrecking havoc on my wardrobe and therefore, my social life. Some of you will surely understand that. It's hard to have fun and enjoy yourself when you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.

I see I've been distracted considering the time I began this entry. I'll end this now so I can enjoy the rest of the movie.

Life's Lessons

Went out and had a few drinks with friends tonight, also unplanned, but at zero cost to me, so that was nice. And after drinks, I was hungry and wasn't about to come home and cook dinner at midnight. So JITB to the rescue.

I find myself in a very retrospective mood lately. I'm not sure why. It cycles, I suppose. In general, I am pretty pleased with my life up to this point. Granted, I've made some bad choices, and spent far too much time with the wrong people. But I like to think I've learned from it. And that those experiences have improved me somehow. Here's a sample of what my life has taught me so far:

1. Call me a prude if you like, but I know, for me personally, I will not date someone who does drugs. No matter how casual a user they may claim to be. That's nothing against anyone who chooses to go that route, it's just not a situation I choose to be a part of again.
2. The Golden Rule should be followed. Have respect for and tolerance of others. You don't have to like every one you encounter, but there's no reason for rudeness or closed-mindedness.
3. Honesty really is the best policy, but tact is just as important.
4. My family means the world to me and there is no shame in admitting that.
5. Don't be afraid to admit when you are wrong. Laugh at your mistakes and then learn from them.
6. Let the people you love know it. By your words and your actions. Tomorrow may be too late.
7. I have zero tolerance for infidelity. If you feel the need to roam, have the decency to let your partner know you're unhappy, break it off, whatever, first. See #2 re: respect.
8. The story about friends "for a reason, a season, or a lifetime" is true. Accept the fact that some friendships may end. But they all serve a purpose and should be treasured.
9. Tears can be therapuetic. Don't hold them all in.
10. Masturbation will not make you go blind.

God bless the internet.

I'm about to pop in a dvd and vegetate on the couch for a few hours. If that doesn't keep me occupied, I'll probably interrupt someone's evening with my bored IM ramblings. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll do that either way.

The internet truly is a fascinating place, I have to admit. Aside from being an excellent time-waster, a quick reference center, and a shopaholic's dream (or nightmare perhaps), it has proven to be a fairly successful place to make some new friends.

As I look back over the last year or so of my life, it occurs to me that the majority of people I like to call friends these days are those I have met through common interests online. And I'm not talking pen-pal, let's IM, reading each other's blogs type of friends. But real people that I go to lunch with, have drinks with, see concerts with, and generally enjoy knowing. I wonder where I would be right now had these various people not become a part of my life. To these people I say, "I treasure your friendship!" ;)

Although the online dating scene, that I ventured into in years past, was disastrous. I think there has got to be a point, very early on, where you meet in person and get it over with. Otherwise you do this back-and-forth emailing, maybe some instant messaging, perhaps even phone calls. All adding to the illusion that you know, and possibly even like, this person. Then, when you finally do meet, if you don't hit it off in the "real world", you're faced with the awkward dilemma of explaining yourself.

No, I'm not shallow. I don't base my like/dislikes of the opposite sex solely on physical appearance. But, I hate to break it to you, anyone who says it doesn't matter is bullshitting you. There has to be some sort of attraction. It could be as simple as a great smile or the way they carry themself, but there has to be something. And when it's not there, you've spent all this time building a psuedo-relationship with someone who you, ultimately, have no interest in dating. While you may enjoy their company and genuinely want to continue a friendship with them, we all know that response is rarely welcome.

I think the lesson learned here is that the best route is the direct route. Why waste each other's time tiptoeing around the subject. You either like each other or you don't. You can't force something that isn't there. I tried. And I failed miserably because, rather than admit (to both the guy and myself) that I wasn't into him in that way and risk hurting his feelings, I continued to go out with him. Partly because I was determined to stop dating the same type of guy that I always seem to find myself with. But also because he was a lot of fun and a really incredible person. There was just no real spark. I'm not proud of the way I handled it and have vowed to do better in the future.

Don't get me wrong, I've been on the other end of that situation, too. It just seems guys are better skilled at the quick exit.

Oops. Didn't mean to go off on a tangent there. Funny how the mind works. Now how about that movie?

Is it really so strange?

I can't decide. I've been in this situation before (twice actually) and it turned out badly.

Sometimes, because of circumstances, you think you know someone better than you really do. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in your idea of who that someone is. And sometimes, you're really just longing for more, so the attention and friendship seems that much better. And sometimes (more often than not), you should just stop thinking about things too much and take it for what it is. Que sera, sera.

Moving on...I'm doing pretty well with the tracking expenses so far, but that could be simply because I haven't been anywhere for it to be an issue yet. Work. Home. Repeat.

Yesterday: $3.49 for lunch
Today: $4.79 for lunch

Now I'm off to sleepyland, earlier than normal, but with good reason. It's been a hell of a week so far and there are still 2 more work days to go.

Let's get it started.

Gone are the ways of the paper journal. And good riddance, I say. I was never good at keeping mine current. Months would pass and there I was, trying to recapture all the events, thoughts, and feelings of everything that had happened since I last wrote. It ended up being a hodgepodge of haphazard drivel.

I'm online a lot. I type faster than I can think most days. So this makes for a good outlet for me. A natural progression of things, even if I am a few years behind in taking advantage of this technology.So here's a start, and we'll see how it goes. I won't even attempt to catch up on my life thus far. So I'll just jump right in as of today.

I'm a 30-something single who hasn't had a real date in months. And by "real," I mean something other than veiled attempts at the infamous booty call from a certain someone I'll call P. It's sad that, for awhile there, I was so craving male affection that I would often accept such a call from him. Initially, it was fun. Exciting even. If the payoff had been better, I'd be tempted to continue, but sadly, it was not. And in the long run, really, what's the point? So I've been a good girl and dodged that particular situation for atleast a couple of months. And have no plans of returning there. Atleast not with HIM.

Trying to find a budget I can stick to has been a challenge. I'm constantly recalculating and crunching numbers to make it work. I'm terribly bad at impulse shopping. I see it, I want it, I buy it. Not a good plan. Especially when I have some bigger and better purchases to plan for. Not to mention the fact that it certainly isn't helping me get out of debt any sooner. So, starting tomorrow, I will write down every single expense. Every pack of gum picked up while paying for gas, every cup of coffee from the machine at work, every drink bought when out with friends. Everything. Down to the last cent. I'm told that if I do this, even for just a week, I will be shocked and amazed at how much money I'm throwing away.